Sickness

How do we decide what is most important in our lives?  What we will fight for?  What drives us?  About ten years ago I was sick of my marriage, sick of my job, sick of my church, sick of the life I was living.  What I learned was my soul was sick.  It wasn't the marriage, the job, the church.  It wasn't those things that made my life miserable.  It was the state of my soul.  I was so wrapped up in getting what I wanted, what I thought was best for me, I lost sight of what was most important.  In retrospect I wonder if I ever really understood or knew what should have been the most important thing. 
So what is the most important thing?  I don't have the total answer but I am beginning to see a small part of the answer.  For me the most important thing was when I accepted the fact that God wants me here in this community, in this church, married to my wife and managing this farm.  God had a purpose or reason for placing me here. 
  As I began to change my focus from myself to God my perspective on life began to change.  Deep down in my soul  I wanted what God wanted but I wasn't ready or willing to allow it to happen.  I still live in fear of the unknown but at least I understand that I am living that way.  I am starting to recognize a state of peace beneath the craziness.  Realizing the farm is temporal.  I wonder if we will survive financially.  Beneath this fear I feel peace.  I feel that if we don't survive God has a better plan.  Granted if the farm does fail I will probably experience severe depression.  
I realize that church life, my wife, children, farm life, all these things affect my view of life.  How I feel towards these people and life in general are affected by the way disagreements are handled.  Whether I feel heard or not.  Whether I feel loved or not.  Whether I feel cared for.  I understand this.  What I am suggesting is when I began to focus on Jesus I had a different perspective on the relationship.  The shocking thing is how slow the process is.  I am such a slow learner. 
When I was living with a sick soul my life was miserable.  After ten years of slow learning my life isn't miserable.  The interesting thing is the external things in my life have not changed.  My wife is the same, my children are the same, I attend the same church and manage the same farm.  The challenges in all these instances have changed and you would think I would be more miserable. 
What changed?  My focus changed and it was a conscience decision.  I had a sickness in my soul.  I asked Jesus to cleanse it...  This changed my life...